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CELTIC-L  December 1996

CELTIC-L December 1996

Subject:

C-Mas Tradition: Must Be Sober

From:

Bruce L Jones <[log in to unmask]>

Reply-To:

CELTIC-L - The Celtic Culture List.

Date:

Thu, 5 Dec 1996 15:16:04 EST

Content-Type:

text/plain

Parts/Attachments:

Parts/Attachments

text/plain (142 lines)

Everyone,

There have been a couple of calls for Christmas Traditions on the list.
This offering is definitely different, with an extra "nugget" after the
first.

Unfortunately, most of the known American traditions have become so well
worn they are cliche/. The traditional version of America's Christmas
were begun by a poem titled "A Visit From St. Nicholas", which began:
"'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house, not a
creature was stirring, not even a mouse." It went on to describe the
"Jolly Old Elf" his "Eight Tiny Reindeer" the trips through the sky from
rooftop to rooftop, popping down chimneys, and etc. Well, at some point
in time someone has decided to poke some fun at this well worn
traditional story; the result of which is humbly submitted below for
everyone's perusal.

It is also offered because there has been some good-natured banter
regarding multi- syllabic expression.

A warning though. If you find yourself out on the town during the
holidays and might have weighed one to many truncheon of Guinness; don't
worry. If you can recite the poem below, you're still sober.

[ : )

*********************************************************************************
                         A VISIT FROM ST. NICHOLAS
                        Or "Ode to the Unabridged"

     'Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period preceding
the annual yuletide celebration, and throughout our place of
residence, kinetic activity was not in evidence among the
possessors of this potential, including that species of domestic
rodent known as Mus musculus. Hosiery was meticulously suspended
from the forward edge of the wood-burning caloric apparatus,
pursuant to our anticipatory pleasure regarding an imminent
visitation from an eccentric philanthropist among whose folkloric
appellations is the honorific title of St. Nicholas.

     The prepubescent siblings, comfortably ensconced in their
respective accommodations of repose, were experiencing various
subconscious visual hallucinations of variegated fruit
confections moving rhythmically through their cerebra. My
conjugal partner and I, attired in our nocturnal cranial
coverings, were about to take slumbrous advantage of the hibernal
darkness when upon the avenaceous exterior portion of the grounds
there ascended such a cacophony of dissonance that I felt
compelled to arise  with alacrity from my place of repose for the
purpose of ascertaining the precise source thereof.

     Hastening to the casement, I forthwith opened the barriers
sealing the fenestration, noting thereupon that the lunar
brilliance without, reflected as it was on the surface of a
recent crystalline aqueous precipitation, might be said to rival
that of the solar meridian itself -- thus permitting my
incredulous optical sensor to peruse a miniature airborne
runnered conveyance drawn by an octet of diminutive specimens of
the genus Rangifer, piloted by a miniscule, aged chauffeur so
ebullient and nimble  that it became instantly apparent to me
that he was indeed our anticipated caller.  With his undulate
motive power traveling at what may possibly have been more
vertiginous velocity than patriotic alar predators, he
vociferated loudly, expelled breath musically through contracted
labia, and addressed each of the octet by his or her respective
cognomen ... "Now Dasher, now Dancer..." et al. -- guiding them
to the uppermost exterior level of  our abode, through which
structure I could readily distinguish the concatenations of each
of the 32 cloven pedal extremities.

     As I retracted my cranium from its erstwhile location, and
was performing a 180-degree pivot, our distinguished visitant
achieved -- with utmost celerity and via a downward leap -- entry
by way of the smoke passage. He was clad entirely in animal pelts
soiled by the ebon residue from the oxidations of carboniferous
fuels which had accumulated on the walls thereof. His resemblance
to a street vendor I attributed largely to the plethora of
assorted playthings which he bore dorsally in a commodious cloth
receptacle.

     His orbs were scintillant with reflected luminosity, while
his submaxillary dermal indentations gave every evidence of
engaging amiability. The capillaries of his molar regions and
nasal aptenance were engorged with blood which suffused the
subcutaneous layers, the former approximating the coloration of
Albion's floral emblem, the latter that of the Prunus avium, or
sweet cherry. His amusing sub- and supra-labials resembled
nothing so much as a common loop knot, and their ambient hirsuite
facial adornment appeared like small, tabular and columnar
crystals of frozen water.

     Clenched firmly between his incisors was a smokingpiece
whose gray fumes, forming a tenuous ellipse about his occiput,
were suggestive of a decorative seasonal circlet of holly. His
visage was wider than it was high, and when he waxed audibly
mirthful, his corpulent abdominal region undulated in the manner
of impectinated fruit syrup in a hemispherical container.

     Without utterance and with dispatch, he commenced filling
the aforementioned hosiery with articles of merchandise extracted
from his aforementioned previously dorsally transported cloth
receptacle. Upon completion of this task, he executed an abrupt
about-face, placed a single manual digit in lateral juxtaposition
to his olfactory organ, inclined his cranium forward in a gesture
of leave-taking, and forthwith affected his  egress by
renegotiating (in reverse) the smoke passage. He then propelled
himself in a short vector onto his conveyance, directed a musical
expulsion of air through his contracted oral sphincter to the
antlered quadrupeds of burden, and proceeded to soar aloft in a
movement hitherto observable chiefly among the seed-bearing
portions of a common weed. But I overheard his parting
exclamation, audible immediately prior to his vehiculation beyond
the limits of visibility: "Ecstatic yuletides to the planetary
constituence, and to that self-same assemblage my sincerest
wishes for a salubriously beneficial and gratifyingly pleasurable
period between sunset and dawn."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
And finally, a Virtual Christmas Card:

A Blessing From My House to All of Your's:
(From Yeats, I believe ?)

Bless the four corners of this house.
And be the lintel blest,
And bless the hearth,
and bless the board,
and bless each place of rest;
And bless the door that opens
wide to stranger and to kin;
And bless each crystal windowpane
that lets the starlight in;
And bless the roof-tree overhead,
and every sturdy wall;
The peace of man, the peace of God,
the peace of love on all.

May everyone have a Happy Holiday Season filled with Love, Loyalty and
Friendship:
(Gra Dilseaght Cairdeas)!
Bruce L. Jones
[log in to unmask]

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